Rejection...I thought I'd mastered it.

Some ramblings on my very real and very recent experiences.

I thought I was desensitized to rejection.

As a former academic, rejection is my middle name. Throughout graduate school and as a professor, I was constantly applying for grants, fellowships, conference proposals, and submitting my work for publication. The advice I was given was to “apply for everything, and eventually something will hit”. That’s the approach I often took (and continue to take), which allows me to not take the rejections personally. I’m always on to the next. This approach has worked for me, as I expect rejection more often than not. And when something “hits”, it’s a big plus. Much like this online trend of people pursuing 1,000 rejections in a year, I am ALWAYS shooting my shot—professionally.

In general, the rejections don’t bother me. Occasionally, something stings a little more, but I take pride in my bounce back game being strong. I consider it a skill to be able to take rejection well. A muscle that I have grown through exercise. A demonstration of resilience. However, last week I was notified that I didn’t get a job I’d applied for after a couple interviews. I can admit, this STUNG. I’d already been planning in my head and envisioning myself walking through the halls at this job. I already had plans for the money I’d be making. I’d built up this position so much in my head that when it didn’t happen, it was a gut punch. While I acknowledged my disappointment, I quickly enacted my bounce-back plan.

That same evening, I had plans to visit an old “friend”. I almost decided not to go, but I figured the alternative was to stay home and wallow about the job, which didn’t sound productive at the time. So I went. It was the first time we’d seen each other in a while, and it was fine—nice, even. To be fully transparent, this was an old situationship if that wasn’t clear. We’d been on and off again for some time. That evening, we spent time catching up. I even told him about the job, and he offered words of encouragement which I appreciated. I felt myself bouncing back. I woke up the next morning and took myself to breakfast. I had a delicious matcha latte and spent time in a coffee shop journaling about how I was feeling. I was virtually over the job!

Fast forward to this week, I started the week getting back to the weight training gym. I went to the grocery store. I meal prepped. I wrote my first Substack! (Go back and read it if you haven’t.) I wasn’t thinking about the job or the guy! I was ready to kick this weeks ass. However, by Wednesday, I was in a SLUMP, and I didn’t know why. My energy was so low. My mind was racing. I couldn’t focus on my work. My mind was betraying me with all sorts of negative messages about not being chosen.

I thought it might be a little Valentine’s Day blues since I don’t have any plans this year, but that also didn’t feel quite aligned with who I know myself to be. I haven’t had formal Valentine’s Day plans in years, and that doesn’t typically bother me…but hey, I was open to new feelings emerging.

It’s taken me until about thirty minute ago to realize that while I may have mastered bouncing back and depersonalizing rejection, professionally, I’d actually treated that potential job much like I treat my personal and romantic relationships. I’d put it on a pedestal. I’d made the job life-changing, based on the potential alone. Revisiting with the my old situationship actually brought up a lot of those old feelings in ways that I wasn’t fully conscious of. I’d done the same thing with him! I put him on a pedestal and still had expectations that he would be someone that he had never shown me he was. Much like with the job, I thought I was over it! When actually, I’m feeling doubly rejected!

I also am resenting the fact that I’m experiencing this feelings, which adds another layer to it. So, I’m laying it all bare here. Allowing myself to not rush through the feelings with all my steps and practices, but to just feel my way through it. Hopefully, I’ll have some more learnings soon for you all over here on Substack. For now, I’ve learned that I’m not desensitized to rejection…and I guess that has to be okay.